How does my relationship with others affect my relationship with food?
One of the aspects that we usually address in psychology consultations when we treat cases of complicated relationships with food (food anxiety, binge eating, eating disorders, etc.) is one’s relationship with others. Frequently in these cases the need for external approval, recognition from others and the fear of criticism goes beyond the body and is transferred to the complete identity, so from this pattern it is common to find that it is not expressed for fear of be judged or not find the best way to express yourself.
You often hear expressions like “I had to bite my tongue”, “I swallowed my words” or “he ate his own words”, etc. All of them refer to difficult management of interpersonal communication, that is, what one communicates to others. These situations usually occur when something is expressed in an inappropriate way or when one does not directly express one’s opinion for some reason despite the desire or need to do so.
In some situations we find that when the need to express ourselves is not satisfied, emotions appear that are difficult to manage and then we turn to food as an escape route. Thus, when you want to say something and you don’t say it, when you don’t know how to say no, when things haven’t been explained as you would like, etc.: you end up “eating words” and sometimes also eating compulsively or with anxiety.
As Tania López, a psychologist who collaborates at the Julia Farré Center, expresses in the following image published on networks: “where I don’t put words I end up eating them.”
How do I relate to others?
To observe and understand how we relate to others, there are multiple variables that we could take into account: cultural or social influences, biological or genetic factors, previous relationships in personal history, socializing effect of the family of origin, types of attachment bonds primary, formal and non-formal education, etc. But in this article we are going to focus on three well-known communication styles that refer to the form that the act of expressing oneself takes. An improvement in our way of communicating in our social relationships will lead to an improvement in our relationship with food.
Passive style
This would be the “I swallow my words” style for fear of the consequences, of being judged, of conflict, etc. That is, putting aside one’s own desires, rights, and opinions to put others first.
In this style, the non-verbal language that accompanies it is usually little eye contact, a low tone of voice, elusive movements, a trembling voice, etc.
The message that is emitted is “your needs are more important than mine” and therefore, from this style of communication, it is difficult to value one’s own interests and can lead, among other things, to feelings of frustration in the sender.
Aggressive style
This would be the “later I had to eat my own words” style, when there is regret in the way of expressing oneself. In this style, one defends one’s own opinions, rights or desires but in an offensive, humiliating way, trying to impose one’s criteria without taking into account those of the other.
The non-verbal language that accompanies this form of communication can be a raised tone of voice, an aggressive look, authoritarian language…
The message is “my needs are more important than yours”, in this way feelings of humiliation and rejection are produced in the interlocutor and therefore damages the relationship.
Assertive style
This style would be located in the middle of the other two, from which one defends one’s own opinions, rights or desires but taking into account those of the other. The message is “both of our needs are equally important, therefore we have the same right to express ourselves.” This is the style that promotes a good relationship between people.
It is worth emphasizing that assertiveness has to do with the other person and also with me, that is, it will be just as important that I can respect others as it is to respect myself.
Let’s give a simple example to better understand these concepts. Imagine that you have arranged to meet a person for a meeting and they are late in coming to the appointment without warning. Given this, you feel upset and somewhat angry with the other person.
From the aggressive style a response could be “you are unpunctual, rude and unpresentable”, from the passive style a response could be “don’t worry, I didn’t care” and from the assertive style “What happened to you to get there?” late?, I have felt uncomfortable with the situation because I had saved time especially for this meeting”
